Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]

Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*

“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.

I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious

FUN PRANK:

Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say

“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”

Then watch how mad he gets.

I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.

ME: [bird watching]

PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.

Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded

Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.

Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.

Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.

{during sex}

Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights

Alcohol is photoshop for real life.

I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.

Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.

You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.

The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science

[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great

Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.

Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm

I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN

Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…

[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss

conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy

[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat

Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.

Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life

thats my bad

I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks

[emerging from a ten year coma]

my dad: look who finally got up

[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again

Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.