I wanna open a cheese store called The Parmacy.
“Come on in for a Gouda time!”
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verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
These apps are getting out of control.
There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
The most shocking part of Luigi’s manifesto is when he says he’s not the most qualified person to lay out the problems with the healthcare system. I’ve never heard a man describe himself as unqualified for anything.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL
*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*
4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
How actors in movies eat their food
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved