Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter

Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?

Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “

Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.

What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go

[heist]

Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe

Thief: well?

Me: omg…

[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.

[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT

#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices

“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”

Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.

Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that

Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.

I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese

Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.

Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.

You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away

“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.

My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.

Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???

Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.

If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.

I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment

boss: can i talk to you in my office

me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too

You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?

“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”

“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”

Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.

Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?

nobody:
my fish before I fry it:

The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.

Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.