Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.

*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me

My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.

A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages

Me: I only use one side of my brain.

Them: Which side?

Me: The bad one.

[Dr. Strange casting read]

Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ

Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?

Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt

To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST

i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help

THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree

You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.

*Takes leash off feral dad*

Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.

*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*

BAD DAD! BAD!

You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.

The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.

“When god closes a door, he opens a window”

Murder Hornets: Awesome!

Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*

“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”

Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”

[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme

I lost 7 followers today.

It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets

Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.

valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao

Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?

I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.

What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?

They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars

Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.

VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?

I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”