I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
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That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.
At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Husband: Why can’t you ever be serious?
Me: *olives on all my fingers* Because olive you
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
