I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
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Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
every college guy’s fridge
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Boy never ceases to amaze me
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Software Development ⛵️
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*