I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
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My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today
Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer