I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
You Might Also Like
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
pelicons
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Friend: any plans for the fall?
Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.