I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
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No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Half of this strand of Christmas lights doesn’t work so I’m just going to ball it back up and toss it in the bin so it can piss me off again next year.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
put ‘er there pardner!
SF is the wild wild west man
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
you’re not fooling anyone
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
They should build a separate grocery store for people who have actually purchased food before, know how to push a cart, and possess at least an ounce of spatial awareness.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
ever thought about centaurs and how the bottom half would start walking immediately after birth but the top part would be baby like and flop around for a while.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown