Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*

Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power

I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.

Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster

I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.

Me: Alexa, make me a drink.

Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.

I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.

Me: Pad Thai please

Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s

Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease

My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.

I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.

This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.

[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times

Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.

I’m a self-made hundredaire

Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave

The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.

A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not

I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.

My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.

*eating freshly baked cookies*

4: I want lots more!

Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache

4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!

Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack

Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs

Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome

Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:

This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.

“Don’t make things all about you for once…”

My mother says hi.

I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.

April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.

If this can be a salad, you can be anything.

OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers

DETECTIVE: dear god

OFFICER: most likely yes

“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”