I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
You Might Also Like
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Stay here and watch people argue or log out and listen to my family argue? Decisions, decisions
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
next level snooze
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of