Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.

Me: You’ll never take me alive.

Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.

[god creating hotdogs]

inflate that worm

Him: Hey

Me: *flashes box of super tampons*

I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.

I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.

I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”

Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?

Me: Um…

PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?

Me: My —

PS: Tummy tuck?

Me: (looking down)

PS: Breast augmentation?

Me: What’s wrong with my —

PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?

Me: (bursts into tears)

Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.

Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”

Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.

This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.

In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???

Human: [doing homework]

Dog: why aren’t you eating that

WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.

CHEF: Thank you.

ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai

I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!

Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing

I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!

[on my deathbed]

“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”

*dies*

my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high

Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.

My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”

I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂

Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”

If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.

I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.

onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it

“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”

Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?