Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.

people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical

Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album

I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.

And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.

me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand

toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it

Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results

See Also: Going back to your ex

Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.

Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose

Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.

My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.

I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.

*reading of my will*

Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s the sky.

Toddler: what’s sky mean?

Me: sky means sky.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s grass.

Toddler: what’s grass mean?

Me: grass means grass.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: tears.

Toddler: what’s tears mean?

Me: it means please just stop.

How to sleep:

1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes

Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.

America: Japanese ads are extremely weird

Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*

My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.

“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”

Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.

Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.

Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.

If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills

I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.

Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth

Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth

Bishop: no

I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.

Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.

Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.

Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’

Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’

did… did they arrest the mountain lions

Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.

it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am

Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’