Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”

me texting friend: ooh what happened?!

friend: *sends elaborate voice note *

me to myself: guess I’ll never know

Watching someone cook is really sexy.

But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.

every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box

“dom or sub?”

subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion

Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.

When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.

Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.

These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them

Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.

Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆

[aircraft carrier]

*paints a T on the helipad*

Captain: No it has to have an H

Me: Why?

*train sounds approaching*

Captain: Oh dear god

what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun

I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.

When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.

Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support

They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong

Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.

my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist

[getting murdered]

me: my computer has a virus, so u could say

[murdering pauses]

me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol

[murdering intensifies]

Son: What is wrong with those people?

Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.

If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.

The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.

I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.

My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.

Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting

At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!