i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
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I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
#SuperBowl
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
What’s a Messi?
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever