I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
*working in pediatric ER*
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊
kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them
kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
