Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.

i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog

Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.

Anyone else having a near life experience today?

my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015

I put my pants on like everyone else….

After sex.

Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.

Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.

How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?

– my 8yo while doing one chore

My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao

“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”

Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.

Therapist: Talk about your friends.

Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…

T: That’s a Billy Joel song.

Me: You’re no fun.

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.

[Bedroom at midnight]

*scary noises*

Husband: is… is someone in here?

*demonic sounds from the closet*

Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore

*sad demonic noises*

Me: I love you so much

Calories: I love you more

“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.

I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.

Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?

Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.

Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?

Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.

I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.

If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.

BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test

ME: Hold my bong

[waking up from a nightmare]

Him: Was it the one about zombies again?

Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes

Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*

Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring

I’m saving my appetite for something pure

The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called

Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.