Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.

Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?

Biden: 😉

I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.

All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.

WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

Bartenders be like ” heres that receipt, i’ll go ahead and put it on the wettest part of the bar”

ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.

Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?

Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.

Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.

6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?

Me: You have the flu.

6: I’m sick, not dead.

5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.

Now they are tenants together.

Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.

Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?

Roman: Just the one, thanks

I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭

Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.

Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.

My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”

last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex

“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.

People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”

🤣dope

There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.

Statistics Magic: We interviewed 2000 people that have
played Russian Roulette 🔫 before. All 100% of them survived the game.
💯

Conclusion: Russian Roulette is completely safe to play!
🎯 🥳

#stats

Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.

Me: I’m an actor

Date: Oh that’s cool!

Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”

Date: I love that movie!

Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.

“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”

*Googles my ex’s house*

it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher

*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”

[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!

There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few