I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
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Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Those who do not remember the past are doomed to lose on Jeopardy.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
What even happened today?
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]