I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
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Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
If you’re thinking of having kids, please know that my 8 year old is currently sobbing because my 5 year old won’t let him talk to his pet balloon.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
This story is comedy gold 😂
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut