I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
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If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
The “baby” on the left….
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation