i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
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As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Sing it!
Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Mad Max: Furry Road
that lettuce in your fridge is now a souvenir
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.