I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about
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Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.