I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about
You Might Also Like
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
The future is now.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.