I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about
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For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Just had my nails done!
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.