I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about
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Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
goldfish mafia
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.
Fights fire with marshmallows
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU