Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings

WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped

WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death

ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together

No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.

[commercial for tupperware]

Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?

– Tupperware

I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.

Warning:

This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.

[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]

Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?

I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.

Coffee helps me remember….

Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean words

I never said it was easy.

DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.

They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.

The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.

LITTLE MERMAID 2016:

SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!

ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*

“How is tofu made?”

Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….

Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.

society: buy a sheet for your mattress

me: ok makes sense

society: then a sheet for that sheet

me:

society: then a blanket for that sheet

me: i think-

society: and a blanket for the blanket

me: you done?

society: oh and 30 pillows

Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.

My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.

I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.

When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.

Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.

I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.

When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,

I wonder to myself:

Who has the other half of my egg?

Two strangers;

Living their lives;

Sharing an egg.

friend: the bathroom is upstairs

me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*

This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀

[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*

[ At the ball ]

Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?

Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.

Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro

It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.

Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.

“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”

Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??

Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing