Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.

Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me

“Santa isn’t real” ok, I literally just saw him at the mall

Operator: what’s your emergency

Me: my fridge fell on me

Operator: is anything broken

Me: some eggs maybe

just in case someone hasn’t told you today,

i’m gorgeous.

Sesame Street: this is an educational show

Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that

Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one

The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.

Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.

[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]

Me: This is absolutely magnificent.

[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]

Me: This is pretty alright I guess.

me: hey siri

siri: (long, deep sigh) what

Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”

Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached

What I said: GO TO BED!

What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?

At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.

I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.

British people

“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.

I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too

The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.

If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.

My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.

I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.

My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”

What am I gonna do with a river?

Could you cry me a beer?

Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back