Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thursday Thought.

Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood

He’s been in and out of rehab for 15 years, has had multiple run-ins with the law, eats human flesh and never sleeps. Women: I’ll fix him.

it is so crazy how many hours are actually in a day when u wake up before 11:30 am…..wow………do people know about this

I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.

[first day as a negotiator]

me: ok

Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.

Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?

-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper

Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.

What the world needs now is love, sweet love…

And an extinction level asteroid.

The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen

11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.

me: first off – get out of my house.

Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!

Thought I’d try one:

18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: No

Wasn’t that adorable?!

[first day as a teacher]

me: today we’re learning the alphabet

kid: that’s easy

me: no it’s A-Z idiot

Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.

There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.

I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal

Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.

Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there

I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.

Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi

Chameleon: hold on.

Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”

*All of Twitter goes missing*

My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE

A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing

13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day

Me: What have you written so far?

13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”

M: Good opener.

Me: Send prudes.

Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?

Me: What? Ew. No.

my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing

The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.

I like waiters.

They bring a lot to the table.