Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god

doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day

also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week

wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”

Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.

I ate it.

Then looked for more.

*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*

Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.

Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.

Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…

doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day

Me: I wish my toilet was sentient

Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three

Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.

Windows 10? Cool!

Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95

Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.

B

“I’ve recently come into some money.”

*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*

Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?

[spelling bee]

Your word is “pneumonia”.

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.

Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week

Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich

Therapist:

Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon

Therapist:

Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think

Therapist:

Me: Why do you look so sad

Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone

When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.

Problem solved.

mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green

Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding

The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”

I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket

There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.

It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure

this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭

Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.

Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…

Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.