I wanna work for a company where if you pass the drug test you get fired.

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Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.


Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Have you showered today?

Me: Um, I …

Netflix: And use soap this time.


William Shakespeare’s rapper name would be Playbill Shakes


In hell, you have to listen to chicks fully explain a movie, scene by scene.


WAITER: whaddaya have?

DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat

TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm


[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here


*climbs into windowless van*

*puts on “Free Hugs” t-shirt*

*heads out to make new friends*


*waits for lawyer in windowless room*


If everyone drove their cars as carefully as they scrolled through their exes Instagram photos the world would be a better place to live.


My wife left me for my best friend.

Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.


Interviewer: Why should we hire you?

Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.