I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
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[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards
j o i m p
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Good morning.
