Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!

Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.

STOP disrespecting my family

my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG

my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE

my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND

me

my grandmother is A SAINT

Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.

I’ll let myself out.

Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”

I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…

Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?

Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?

I’d grill your cheese.

~me, flirting

Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.

If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.

me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels

– First day of College
– Dorm meeting

Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?

Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??

Breaking news:

Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?

her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot

Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.

Girl: yes baby, punish me.

Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.

BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍

Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?

Her: Justice.

I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.

a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick

Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.

[at the club]

Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots

Her: Just take them off

Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?

Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.

Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?

It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…

That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you

[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”

I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.