I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
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We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Pat is about to own someone
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
this got me crying😭😭
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
is this meant to deter me
