Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣

“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”

*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?

girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over

You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.

If both don’t work out…eat a cake.

I’m all for the scientific method.

Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.

Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.

Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”

Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”

[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”

“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”

-Humans

Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.

[2 men standing in an empty basement together]

Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”

Vader: I am your father!

Random kid: Really?

Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.

I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel

My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.

The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.

Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”

[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.

my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high

“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”

-if animals made nature shows

A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.

A white American
White. American.

i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

I will do some shady shit for a mocha.

Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!

Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.

me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!

me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!

Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.

cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law

me: incompetent lawyer

cop: wha-

me: tainted evidence

cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that

Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?

Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it

Duck *holding gun* good answer

Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left

[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]

Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade