I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
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*updates tinder bio*
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.