Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.

Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-

Wife: plant’s dead.

Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-

Wife: i’m pregnant.

Me: this is fine.

If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.

OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!

My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.

Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”

10yo: “A phone what?”

The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.

My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week

Are rhetorical questions really necessary?

Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.

Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.

Academic paper protip:

end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”

*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*

My Wife… The Bargain Hunter

I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami

Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!

VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine

Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.

Me: Will it make my dinner?

D: No but-

M: Good talk.

how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on

dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun

Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.

2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!

Me: He is? How?

2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!

Me:

My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.

skydiving instructor: is this your first time?

me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask

Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”

Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*

I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.

3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?

I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.

I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.