Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be

Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”

My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.

So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea

If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️

Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.

My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…

If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.

Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.

[In car, headed to store]

7: What’s wrong, Mommy?

Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.

[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]

Me: *scratches*

7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?

If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.

When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.

Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good

Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it

Me: oh is there? *winks*

My wife told me she “likes it rough.”

So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.

-how guys understand women

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

her: what do you want?

me: to pay for my sins

her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru

me: I mean to pay for my McSins

The 6 types of sex

I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.

*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.

Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow

Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*

Me: He means a graph

Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY

I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.

Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.

When a shoelace touches your ankle

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: i have a doctorate in mathematics

flight attendant: this man is dying

me: minus one

Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.

I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…

OMG, I ATE THE TOY!

My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.

If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other

Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups