her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
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[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.