Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
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I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Truth
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.