I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
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It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
[slowly crosses McRib off my manifesto]
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.