Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
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Roses are red
Violets are blue…
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”