Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!

Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.

Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.

I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”

You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.

The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk

Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:

They shrink everyone on earth on purpose

The planet will never run out of resources

Everyone is eaten by ants

Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger

If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.

A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids

HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.

I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas

I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.

Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄

DR: your IQ test results are abysmal

ME: is… is that good?

This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch

Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.

~ me, flirting.

Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”

All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.

Me: This escape room is really hard.

Guard: I said lights out!

Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on

I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice

I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.

“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars

Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?

Me: Yeah, it was nice.

Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.

Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.

I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.

My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.

Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No

“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”

Again, I went to pick up a prescription and the pharmacist asked for my date of birth. I told him to write it down this time.