@sgrstk

I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.

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@Ms_Moneypenny_

You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.

No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.

@Mom_Overboard

I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.

*6 hours later*

S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*

@QwertyJones3

This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!

@djdarrellripley

*At Super Bowl Party*

Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?

@ClichedOut

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME: did the dog put you up to this

@knot_eye

*hurls Scrabble board at you*

[uses your words against you]

@DevilryFun

I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.