You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
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I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
*Robot watches me vape*
Robot: mm yeah but swallow it
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
ME: did the dog put you up to this
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.