I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
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I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Pringles
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
umm…
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”