I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
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did it work
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”