I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
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A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
A Short Story.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit