Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.

them: what’d you do on your day off

me: wake up earlier than necessary

me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?

[buried under a pile of geese]

Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.

I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.

I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.

The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash

Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂

#archaeohistories

Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.

Is this your 1st video conference call?

*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no

So you’re aware we can see you?

*Cough* what *cough*

Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.

I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you

So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.

My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.

I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.

#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes

Me: “Breath mint?”

Her: “Sure.”

M: “Don’t mean to offend.”

H: “None taken.”

M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”

Me: How long should I microwave this for?

Popcorn instructions: How should we know?

Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”

Me: “7”

Him: “oh really?”

Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”

I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem

*reading a children’s book*

That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.

“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.

[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit

Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?

Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?

I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?

[first date]

DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths

ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*

[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training

“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”

My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.