Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.

Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*

If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge

Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor

Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.

ME: I have very bad gas

BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what

ME: sorry I have very bad petrol

I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot

If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”

-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest

I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.

Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.

My dinosaur expert child just schooled me

Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?

5yo: They have different names

My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself

Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.

My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.

Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.

The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.

I’m so sorry

*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!

i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

Grass: [grows]

Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]

“You want a BOOTH?!”

“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”

“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”

~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand

[Looking out the window]

Me: I don’t understand this show.

Banderslack Clamberdorch

[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist

1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever

adam and eve had first world problems

wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?

Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax

Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?

He thought he had job security…