Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”

#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes

I went to the candle store today.

They were having a blowout sale.

“Huge”.

[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.

The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point

A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.

SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.

if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates

really makes you think 🤔

Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”

*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me

Should have let Marvel produce 2020.

Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.

I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.

13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?

Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?

My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.

This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?

Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.

Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.

-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop

I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps

SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me

Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term

Me: Don’t kid yourself

Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza

‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.

“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”

“He was putting on airs”.

BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.

MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*

You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.

Mum: get me a plate

Me: which plate?

Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter

*brings plate*

Mum: no not that one

Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄