I want a girlfriend so hot that people walking down the street know that I am funny
You Might Also Like
Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.