I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
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Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
bags with threatening auras
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Beware of the “party goblin”…
