Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.

Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?

Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN

Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.

Me: we’re going out tonight okay?

Toddler: yeah.

Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.

Toddler: yeah.

Me: start a revolution.

Toddler: yeah!

Me: Then we’ll go to bed.

Toddler: no.

I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.

wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?

“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”

Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.

Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?

Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit

Buzz:

Woody: say it again

Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond

Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means

me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it

My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen

I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place

Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM

“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE

The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.

Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.

An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.

ME: Can I buy you a drink?

HER: I have a boyfriend.

ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.

there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public

Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?

Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair

My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.

Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.

Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood

Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*

God: you’re man’s best friend

Dog: OMG! Love it!

God: yup

Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!

God: well..

Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!

God: you live in a kennel in the yard

Dog: what

If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg

Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.

Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen

Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say

[going to the moon]

Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!

Me: oh no

Co-astronaut: what

Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket