I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
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Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.
He was a Norman Cook.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.