I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
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I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
me, after any kind of buffet.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
True freaking story!
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
