“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
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I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
couldn’t resist
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
genius
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.