“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
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DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.
Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?