I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
