Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game

[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]

me: [reaching under couch] shit

murderer: let me try i have longer arms

me: you do not

murderer: do too. stand up

[we measure arm length]

me: wow

murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan

Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?

Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?

thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?

The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO

My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero

Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly

How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic

If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?

I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.

A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.

Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.

When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too

Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal

They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable

One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.

A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away

A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away

I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.

If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!

*being abducted by aliens*

Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?

“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.

Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/

lol

*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*

Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.

guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!

[Wizard of Oz characters Now]

Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa

You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.

Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.

guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood

Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from