Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
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Eggs are just drums you can only play once
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]