I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
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”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
I got a call the other day from my daughter asking if I could keep her kids over the long weekend so I said that would be fine
I don’t have a daughter, so some poor bastard is getting stuck with kids this weekend that he’s not ready for
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Morning all.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.