I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
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I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Customize Your Wedding.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.