I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
You Might Also Like
[after a vasectomy] do i get the cone
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
How can I say no to this ?
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon