Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Time is NOT Real Institute]

BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME {coyly}: Time is not real

BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?

ME: Right away

BOSS: …

ME: Oh shi-

Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?

Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.

I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.

give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.

Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.

Boyfriend and Boy friend…..

See that little space between the second one?

Thats called the friend zone!

her: what’s your last name?

me: it’s French

her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?

me: no my last name is literally just French.

her: oh how fun, do you speak French?

me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?

I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.

FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!

ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*

My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?

Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?

My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.

If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.

If you breakdance you buy dance.

Exits public bathroom stall

Makes eye contact with the person next in line

Mouths: “I’m so sorry”

HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?

Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.

What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?

“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit

I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.

Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms

*looking up at the stars*

Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?

Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?

I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.

Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”

Doctor: “How often does this occur?”

Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”

Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu

[reading of my fathers will]

Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-

Me: heh, bequeath

Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’

Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?

Lawyer: no, he just knew

[mall food court]

Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no

Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.

companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them

boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities

me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room