I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
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I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
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*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh