Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.

If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.

i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.

I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!

Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food

Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable

[first date]

Him: What are you passionate about?

Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.

Him: Animals?

Me: Haha. Sure…

lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-

me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!

I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes

We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to

my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill

me: *just sitting there all 40*

Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please

*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”

[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni

Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle

I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.

People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?

how do lawyers not cry when arguing

Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.

My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.

But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.

ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park

COP: no

ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol

COP: I’m not

Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.

Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.

Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.

My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.

Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.

Parent’s curfew with each child:

1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”

I’m not mad ur mad

*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!

Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?

Husband: GET UP!

The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.

When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”

I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it